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fiona
i love my family and friends
i also love 213'10, 311'11 and nynp
i am a sone
i cannot live without entertainment

formspring.me


potential gifts

1. Threadless tees
2. Helvetica necklace
3. ARTBOX notebooks
4. Kind words
5. AAGG
6. Books that I would like
7. Tintin comics
9. Trip to Taiwan
10. Good grades
11. New camera ;D
12. SNSD concert tickets
13. Money for aforementioned tickets ^^

introduce yourself

all is well

Viver

Etsuko
Han Yi
Huiting
Kellynn
Lucy
Nicole
Sabrina
Ting Ting
Elaine
Wei Ting

2/13 '10
Jeremy
Kailin
Sylvia
Yvon

time wasters

Some very long posts to waste your time.
(Compiling of this list to waste my time.)
5th September
Class Chalet '10
Bestseller
Malacca

archives

October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 February 2012


credits are due

Layout: Sheryl F.
i was actually inspired just now~
Thursday, May 5, 2011
12:59 AM
inspired to write stuff on my blog! but right now ahaha i completely lost interest in it, as i am wont to do ._.
but okay, for the TWO people who read my blog (jiachun and sabrina), i shall!
okay this is a reflective post about self-improvement.
in my head just now, this was a deep and thought-provoking post but i've forgotten how to start it ._.
anyway...
thinking back on everything that has happened recently, I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED.
i used to think i don't have any commitments (except french and np la) but now i DO. maybe definitely not as much as people from council/psl/etc! in charge of organising and etc. but quite a fair few. mostly from np ._. QT, ST and now NPDP which khengfang just informed me about. not about NPDP; about my ROLE IN IT (WTADASD). which is something for later!
anyway. yep. overwhelmed. but i still can't quite wrap my head around all the things i've to do, and i'm still slacking around here.
last act, i was making so many mistakes and my rifle wasn't straight and obviously wai1 and my drills were just BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD and somemore i wasn't feeling well enough for PT so generally my performance was just horrible.
-dislike-
i could totally give an excuse for my performance. i could say, i wasn't feeling well (because i really wasn't -_-). actually partially, yes that's true i was distracted by the constant pain in my stomach. but a larger part of my mistake-making was my LACK OF SKILL.
LACK OF SKILL. it's not just in np, but also in other parts of my life. academics ._____., general social aptitude (i am very socially inept), etc. i Know this. i completely and totally know i am lacking and i want to change.
BUT DO I TRY (oh i realise i've been talking about this exact same topic for years now lol same old same old).
no i don't. okay maybe i do, but i've no willpower to continue. if i were to meet with a car accident (choy touchwood) i would confirm (CHOY) die because i've no willpower to continue living wtf. this willpower, or lack thereof, thing is severely affecting my POTENTIAL (...). i believe i can do better; i KNOW i can. looking at my A1s (okay be good i actually got any hor), i can't help but feel DISSATISFIED (i try to ignore the others. but i also look at them and feel dissatisfied). i tell myself, and others, that A1 is already GOOD, that i shouldn't ask for more given my usual standards. but deep down i KNOW i can achieve a higher A1, if only i'd worked harder.
okay but enough of all this i-know-but-i-just-can't rubbish, let's take a twist!
i think i'm scared of doing my best. i'm afraid that if i really do my best, and am aware of it, if the results aren't good then...
then yeah i would feel even more depressed 'cause even my best isn't enough. in my head i can imagine all sorts of great things i can do if ONLY I TRIED HARDER, but if reality doesn't meet up to expectations i'd just implode, seriously.
so i don't try. i don't try, so that even if i don't do well, i can still tell myself "oh srsly you can do better just try harder Next Time".
next time next time. next time NEVER comes.
and now i'm pissed with myself, strangely. because this sticking my head in a hole thing is so blindingly obvious that even I MYSELF CAN SEE IT. maybe you can't haha but wtv.
the thing is... i want change. and not just the change that politicians always seem to gua4 zai4 zui3 bian1. the REAL ACTUAL CHANGE, the one you don't need to say - just do. (okay it is a bit peculiar that i am announcing my intention to change in this case)
i'm exhausted. it's one o'clock.
i should sleep soon. bye.

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