but okay, for the TWO people who read my blog (jiachun and sabrina), i shall!

okay this is a reflective post about self-improvement.

in my head just now, this was a deep and thought-provoking post but i've forgotten how to start it ._.

anyway...

thinking back on everything that has happened recently, I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED.

i used to think i don't have any commitments (except french and np la) but now i DO. maybe definitely not as much as people from council/psl/etc! in charge of organising and etc. but quite a fair few. mostly from np ._. QT, ST and now NPDP which khengfang just informed me about. not about NPDP; about my ROLE IN IT (WTADASD). which is something for later!

anyway. yep. overwhelmed. but i still can't quite wrap my head around all the things i've to do, and i'm still slacking around here.

last act, i was making so many mistakes and my rifle wasn't straight and obviously wai1 and my drills were just BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD and somemore i wasn't feeling well enough for PT so generally my performance was just horrible.

-dislike-

i could totally give an excuse for my performance. i could say, i wasn't feeling well (because i really wasn't -_-). actually partially, yes that's true i was distracted by the constant pain in my stomach. but a larger part of my mistake-making was my LACK OF SKILL.

LACK OF SKILL. it's not just in np, but also in other parts of my life. academics ._____., general social aptitude (i am very socially inept), etc. i Know this. i completely and totally know i am lacking and i want to change.

BUT DO I TRY (oh i realise i've been talking about this exact same topic for years now lol same old same old).

no i don't. okay maybe i do, but i've no willpower to continue. if i were to meet with a car accident (choy touchwood) i would confirm (CHOY) die because i've no willpower to continue living wtf. this willpower, or lack thereof, thing is severely affecting my POTENTIAL (...). i believe i can do better; i KNOW i can. looking at my A1s (okay be good i actually got any hor), i can't help but feel DISSATISFIED (i try to ignore the others. but i also look at them and feel dissatisfied). i tell myself, and others, that A1 is already GOOD, that i shouldn't ask for more given my usual standards. but deep down i KNOW i can achieve a higher A1, if only i'd worked harder.

okay but enough of all this i-know-but-i-just-can't rubbish, let's take a twist!

i think i'm scared of doing my best. i'm afraid that if i really do my best, and am aware of it, if the results aren't good then...

then yeah i would feel even more depressed 'cause even my best isn't enough. in my head i can imagine all sorts of great things i can do if ONLY I TRIED HARDER, but if reality doesn't meet up to expectations i'd just implode, seriously.

so i don't try. i don't try, so that even if i don't do well, i can still tell myself "oh srsly you can do better just try harder Next Time".

next time next time. next time NEVER comes.

and now i'm pissed with myself, strangely. because this sticking my head in a hole thing is so blindingly obvious that even I MYSELF CAN SEE IT. maybe you can't haha but wtv.

the thing is... i want change. and not just the change that politicians always seem to gua4 zai4 zui3 bian1. the REAL ACTUAL CHANGE, the one you don't need to say - just do. (okay it is a bit peculiar that i am announcing my intention to change in this case)

i'm exhausted. it's one o'clock.

i should sleep soon. bye.